lemonbombs (lem0nb0mbs) wrote,
lemonbombs
lem0nb0mbs

Inevitable update

Friends and family:

You can guess by my posts that I am leading up to something.

Before you react or comment, read the whole post.

• I am in the throes of a massive clinical depression. I have been for about nine months. I became fully debilitated by this depression in May. Besides this, my shoulder is wrecked and very painful, and I have ongoing issues with my kidneys. That’s on top of other usual issues.

• Yes, I am getting both medical and psychiatric care. In the latter, this is not a silver bullet that stops the depression in its tracks. For all of it, it takes time. Lots of time.

• Yes, I still want to be here on Earth with you all. No worries there. In fact, much of the frustration of dealing with my illness comes from isolation and loneliness.

• This hasn’t been my first go-round with depression, but it has been the first with simultaneous, unrelated, physical issues that are debilitating and, frankly, exhausting. I know basically what to expect, for how long, what will help, what will not. Please, no treatment advice. I have a treatment team for that.

• I am struggling with taking care of myself day-to-day. Some days are better than others. Some days I am derailed by my roommate’s lack of consideration, headlines, financial issues, extreme weather, or just being overwhelmed.

• I have few goals. The shoulder injury has made it clear that I no longer can do whatever I want, because my brain isn’t the only body part making the calls. It is going to take a while to adjust to this new reality. Then will come some new goals. Please honor this process. Making this adjustment is what I want. Denying my disability isn’t going to help.

• I am losing a lot, and I am grieving. I can’t easily pick up a baby or a child anymore. I cannot tolerate heat or risk becoming dehydrated, so no Pennsic or summer SCA events for me. For these two, my heart is breaking.

I can’t do the great majority of jobs between the physical and emotional issues. This is no gift: I desperately want to be a productive part of the world. And I cannot self-support. I have to live on my SSI, and that is a sum far, far below the poverty line.

This is my life. My hope for a better future is fading away. So I am trying to get a grip, accept it, clear my mind and reevaluate what there actually *is* for me.

• If you want to help me, ask me what you have in mind first. Always. Please.

• If you feel I am lazy/weak/need to stop taking my meds/should try [yoga, essential oils, ACV, etc], that I make you uncomfortable/embarrassed/ashamed, GO. There is the door. I am done with people trying to invalidate my health concerns. And I am soooo sorry my illness makes you feel bad! Gosh, just think how it makes *me* feel! 😐

• Since so very many of use go through similar, so very often, please educate yourself. That helps everyone.

• I am willing to answer questions, as long as they do not deny or lesson the severity or reality of how I am.

• If you want to be with me on this journey, you have to walk with me where I am, not where you want me to be.

Thank you.

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